Onion News Network: Today Now

Videos in this Playlist

1. 1

   

   How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

   from The Onion

   2:52 | 73 views

   Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

2. 2

   

   Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

   from The Onion

   2:03 | 26 views

   Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

3. 3

   

   Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

   from The Onion

   2:26 | 56 views

   8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

4. 4

   

   Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

   from The Onion

   2:47 | 73 views

   'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.

5. 5

   

   Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive

   from The Onion

   2:15 | 63 views

   Child safety expert and ex-pedophile Terry Parker drops in on the morning show to share some insider tips from his years spent as a sex offender!

6. 6

   

   Human Rights Group Campaigns To End Use Of Child Politicians In Africa

   from The Onion

   2:38 | 48 views

   Jim and Tracy learn that in nations like Sierra Leone children as young as 12 are forced to smile, wave, and shake hands until they drop from exhaustion.

7. 7

   

   Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

   from The Onion

   2:22 | 54 views

   Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

8. 8

   

   Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

   from The Onion

   2:28 | 116 views

   After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

9. 9

   

   New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

   from The Onion

   2:57 | 88 views

   Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.

10. 10

    

    Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

    from The Onion

    2:17 | 100 views

    Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.